The Key to Happiness is to Never Be Happy

There's a song that goes: don't worry, be happy – it's a decent song, but Think it's message is a farce. You should always worry because you're not going to achieve true happiness. While things might seem to be going your way, they can always be better...how do you feel now?

Melodrama is The Cause, I Mean Solution, to All of Life's Problems!

The second greatest thing in life is being entertained, with the first being the act of eating food. Sure, we need to food to live, but what makes it great is the process of eating it. What goes hand-to-mouth with food is entertainment and it can be found all around us.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do..It's The Only Way

There's something known as hypocrisy which we as humans greatly despise. However, I find it strange since we're hypocritical multiple times Ada, so do we hate ourselves? But I'm not here to ask philosophical questions, only to make hyperbolic assumptions.

You're Always Right Even When You're Wrong!

I'm right 100% of the time and I'm not right -10% which means I'm actually right 110% of the time if you do the math right (I can tutor you in Mathematics if you did the math wrong). The always say give 110% to everything you do, so why not be 110% right all the time.

Safety First is Meant to be Taken Quite Literally

You're taught these things as a child – look both ways when crossing the street, don't talk to strangers, be afraid of everything if possible. The last thing is what's most important as it needs to be applied elev enfold when you approach adulthood...it's the only way to live.

Always Prepare For War

There's a saying, “If you want peace, prepare for war,” which means a well-armed society maintains peace because outsiders dare not attack it. I use this saying at random to sound sophisticated, but now Want to apply it to the hostilities in your life.

Worry About The Future in The Future

Let me start this off by saying I won't make any movie references because it's too easy. Instead I'll find a way to mention my blog more than I need to. Time is a simple concept – it's only the past, present and future. And of those three the present is all that matters.

Little Red Riding Hood Deserved to be Eaten by a Wolf

If I wander into the woods unarmed while wearing a blood red cape and carrying a basket of food – no one will get mad at the wolf for eating me. So how come when a dumb, little girl does it we're shocked? Oh, it's because she wanted to give her grandmother food –why is her grandmother in the middle of the woods, away from civilization? And the hunter who saves them is actually a poacher – wolves are endangered and aren't known to taste delicious.

Orcas AKA Killer Whales are Awesome AKA AWESOME!

I love nothing more than stealing things from the Internet, and you'll be in awe as I steal these undeniable facts about ninjas, I mean orcas! Orcas are mammals. Orcas fight all the time. The purpose of the orca is to flip out and kill every creature on the planet. Who cares about lions, bears or ostriches when you've got the killer whale –it's even got “killer” in its name! You know nothing about these animals before reading this, but after reading this you'll bean Orcalogist.

There Are Liars, Damned Liars and Politicians

I'll put this right out in the open – everyone is a liar. All you need to do is tell a lie once and you're a liar. You can't take it back,do over or reset...take some responsibility instead. It doesn't matter if you're 100 seconds old or 100 years old when you tell the lie, you're still a liar! However, it's understandable to lie during certain situations, and I'm here to separate all of you liars into three different categories – liars, damned liars and politicians.

My Fellow Americans, Tap Water is Drinkable!

I'm addressing my fellow Americans only not because I'm a nationalist(maybe), but because I'm not sure how the tap water in other countries so I don't want people getting poisoned on account of me. However, for those of us lucky enough to be living in the US-of-A...why are we paying for bottled/filtered water? We can't possibly be this stupid, can we?

How To Be A Ninja With Help from The Loudest Person in The Room

Ninjas are the coolest beings you'll meet, and you meet them all the time because they're good at hiding. Turn around – that's the ninja you didn't see who's now hiding somewhere else! However, being a ninja doesn't require going to feudal Japan, growing up downtrodden in some village and deciding to not take it anymore from your samurai masters. Thanks to me, and the teachings passed down to me, you can be a ninja with only three things!

No One Cares about Life Back in Your Day

I like to talk to complete strangers while they're in a foul mood,especially older people, because I like hearing them whine about everything. Okay, I'm lying, I hate talking to people in general –they usually sputter garbage from their mouths and it takes everything I've got to not murder them! However, a lot of that trash is them talking about how wonderful life was during their youth, an dhow terrible it is now...that's when I kill'em!

Teddy Roosevelt is The Man because of His Secret History!

Teddy Roosevelt is the baddest person to live on the planet, let alone president of these United States. Every action movie star is based off Teddy Roosevelt, which the actors study in a secret government facility. The secret Teddy Roosevelt did things the public Teddy Roosevelt only dreamed of...and these are things our non-Teddy minds are incapable of dreaming about!

Remember When Tattoos Were Cool...Yeah, Me Neither

I know people reading this have tattoos and they probably think they're totally hip for getting tattoos. You tattooed fools are all welcome to join as one and beat me up for making fun of you! However, I will get the last laugh in the end when I tell the police the Tattoo Gang violently assaulted me as part of an initiation, in which case the police will RICO you. Then you tattooed miscreants will spend your days getting shanked by totally hip prisoners!