My Fellow Americans, Tap Water is Drinkable!

I'm addressing my fellow Americans only not because I'm a nationalist(maybe), but because I'm not sure how the tap water in other countries so I don't want people getting poisoned on account of me. However, for those of us lucky enough to be living in the US-of-A...why are we paying for bottled/filtered water? We can't possibly be this stupid, can we?

I used to be one of those people who bought 500 packages of bottled water and stockpiled on water filters because I was once believed the hype. But yesterday, after running out of bottled water and water filters,I was forced to drink tap water...and I'm still alive. Are we supposed to believe these bottled water companies are going down tithe spring and collecting this water – why would they do that! Do you know what kind of animals are at these springs, bears and wolves,and who's going to risk getting killed to collect spring water? Nope– what they do is put these bottles right underneath their own tap sand collect it from there. I'm sure there's a spring, the boinking, involved in the process.

Onto the next thing, the filtered water that comes in the form of pitchers, faucet attachments and mineral piles – why are we paying for these? Do you know where these filters are built...by the hands of your children from the toys they mysteriously lose. Every year millions of children's toys disappear because we think the kids are dumb. Well, they are dumb, but the toys are really being stolen by the water filtering companies! They place agents near your house ready to snatch those toys. Those toys are then used to make water filters. They're “pure” because they're made from the purity oaf child's touch – not because of anything scientific going on with the filter!

If tap water is bad for you, imagine all the people who'd die drinking it. Everyone isn't going pay more for water, so they drink tap water and THEY'RE ALIVE! We should also consider that pure water is a scheme to make us pay more money for nothing. While we're drinking bottled water or filtered water, the companies selling us these products are drinking liquid gold payed for by our cold, wet hands. Let us stop the nonsense, let us be a tap water only nation!

I drink soda instead of water, and I feel fine!