For starters, Teddy Roosevelt sculpted Mount Rushmore with his bare hands. I know people will say it's impossible because he was dead during that time...or was he? Teddy is capable of keeping his body alive for centuries, and his death is really a long sleep. He's not dead, but merely hibernating like a bear – that's why they're called “teddy bears.” To make the carvings, Teddy jumped into the air and punched the mountain until everything looked perfect. This obviously took a long time, but Teddy pulled it off because of his amazing physical condition!
The
Allied victory during World War II is also thanks to Teddy Roosevelt.
Yes, our military certainly helped whoop those evildoers, but Teddy
did the bulk of the work! D-Day is actually a codename for
T-Day,which means Teddy-Day. As the troops did their thing, Teddy did
his thing and punched a lot of Nazis in the face. And Hitler didn't
commit suicide, Teddy Roosevelt punched him the face, and he made it
look like a suicide to keep his identity a secret. You might be
wondering why Pearl Harbor happened with Teddy Roosevelt around –it's
because of his adventures on the Moon during that time. Our great
country wanted to explore space since July 4, 1776 – Teddy
Roosevelt made sure the moon was safe for us!
Teddy
Roosevelt's final deed is the creation of the Internet. Before the
Internet we couldn't communicate as eloquently as Teddy Roosevelt,and
he wanted to change that. We'll never be as great as Teddy Roosevelt,
but the Internet is a step in the right direction. He also created
every single website on the Internet – Google,
Amazon,YouTube
and this wonderful blog of course. Whenever you use the Internet
you're actually channeling Teddy Roosevelt, so use it wisely! Those
aren't ghosts and demons haunting you, that's actually Teddy
Roosevelt being angry with you for misusing the Internet!
One
thing Teddy Roosevelt didn't do is kill Osama Bin Laden. He was
napping during that time, and wanted someone else to get the glory
–that's how great he is.